You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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