i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
