The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
