yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
