My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
