I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
