The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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