My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
