My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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