She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
