I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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