I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
