there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My boob is missing a layer of skin
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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