I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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