She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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