Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
