Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
