She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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