so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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