walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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