my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
