Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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