I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
