I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
