so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
