Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
