I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
