If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
