I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
