Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
