I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
sarcasm needs its own font
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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