I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
