how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
