There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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