thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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