I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
