Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
