One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
barbara walters just said penis...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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