You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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