His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
