This is not my ceiling
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
