Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
