the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
