Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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