omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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