Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
