Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
