Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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