you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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