i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
