His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
